By Debra Stafford
Founder/CEO of ROAR: Reclaiming Ourselves After Recovery (from cancer)
“Ohana is a Hawaiian term meaning family (in an extended sense of the term, including blood-related, adoptive, or intentional). The term is a cognate with the Maori [word,] kohanga meaning nest. The root word oha refers to the root of the taro plant, known as the…“staff of life” in Hawaii.”
Staying at home for our health is something that is far too familiar to most cancer survivors. During the homebound times of cancer treatment and recovery, every meal cooked by a loved one...every ride to a medical appointment...every visit by a loved one who made us laugh or listened to our story fills our hearts and lets us know that we are not alone. It is not only our bodies that need healing during our cancer journey, it is our hearts and spirits. Knowing we are not alone and feeling connected to our community are vital to our health and wellbeing. Those living alone, without caregivers and social support, have poorer outcomes than those who receive direct love and care from their ‘ohana.
We are now in a time of physical isolation, but physical distance does not have to mean a lack of connection or lack of community. We cannot visit with one another in person, but there are so many other ways to connect and express our love and concern for one another that doesn’t require physical proximity.
During this time of shelter at home, how can we stay connected to our community?
Natural Thoughts and Feelings that Come Up During Shelter at Home
First, we need to check in with ourselves. What is our perception of shelter at home? Do we see shelter at home as imprisonment? Do we see it as being stuck at home and separated from those we love and the things we want to do? Are we worried about our future? Our finances? Our health? Do we feel lonely? Afraid? Disconnected? These are normal thoughts and feelings under the circumstances. Most of us identify with our thoughts and feelings. We believe that each and every thought and feeling that comes into our head and heart is who we are. The power of having a regular mindfulness practice is learning that we are not our thoughts and feelings...we are something more. We are the one who observes those thoughts and feelings and chooses which to let float by or flow out of us and which to hold on to.
A Mindfulness Practice for Shelter at Home
When anxiety-inducing thoughts or feelings of fear, loneliness, and disconnection come up, focus your attention on your breathing. At first, you may notice that you are breathing quickly and shallowly. That is okay. For now, simply notice your breath.
Put one hand on your belly and one hand on your chest. Which hand is moving more? If the hand on your chest is moving more, imagine filling up your belly as you inhale as if you were blowing up a balloon and then releasing the air from the balloon as you exhale. Imagine blowing the balloon up a little bigger with each inhale. Keep envisioning the balloon filling and releasing with each breath. With your hands still on your chest and belly, you may notice that the hand on your belly is moving more and more, and the hand on your chest is feeling less movement and tension.
To slow your breath, you can purse your lips and imagine that you are breathing through a straw. Or, you can count silently as you inhale “1...2...3…” and as you exhale “1...2...3…” After taking a few breaths at that rate, try slowing your breath down. Continue to count, and notice your breath rate slow down as you are able to count higher. This is not a competition with yourself to count higher...rather, it is a technique for noticing your breath that grounds you in your body in the present moment.
As you focus on your breath and slow it down, notice any sensations in your body and breathe into that area. You can imagine inhaling a golden light that fills the place of tension/discomfort and imagine the exhale cleansing anything clouding that clear, bright golden light. You can choose a mantra, a phrase that you repeat with each inhale and exhale, there are unlimited choices:
“Inhale Peace...Exhale Love”
Name the feeling as your mantra: on the inhale “I feel fear”, on the exhale “I am more than my fear”
“Inhale Safe Harbor...Exhale Love”
“Inhale Strength...Exhale Support”
“Inhale Receive...Exhale Reach Out”
During this breathing practice, give yourself caring self-compassion: put a hand on heart or hug yourself and say to yourself something like, “I know this is painful and that you are suffering. And, we have tools to stay connected and to think and feel differently about this shelter at home”.
Mindfulness tools like those in the short practice above teach us to slow our breath down, help us to breathe more deeply, and elicit a deep relaxation response. This shifts our autonomic nervous system from sympathetic “fight or flight” to parasympathetic “rest and digest” mode. When the parasympathetic nervous system is activated, it directs our bodies’ resources to focus rejuvenation and strengthening. Rest and Digest is the best state of our autonomic nervous system for promoting wellness, resilience, healing, and resistance to disease.
It is normal in times of fear and uncertainty for our sympathetic “fight or flight” nervous system to take over. But, the enemy we are facing is not a bear or a lion that we can fight or run away from. The enemy we are facing CAN steal our health and our lives, but to fight it, we must work together in solidarity and community, and for that we need to activate our parasympathetic nervous systems. The more we breathe deeply, take loving action towards ourselves and our community, and stay connected, the better our bodies and our communities will be able to fight COVID-19.
Creating ‘Ohana with Your Thoughts - What You Tell Yourself about Shelter at Home
When you think of shelter at home, common thoughts might be, “I am being forced to stay home and it feels like punishment” or “I can’t do what I want to do...what I used to do...my normal routine” or “I don’t know if I can handle this”. These are all normal thoughts under the circumstances. And, when they come up, we should acknowledge them and how natural they are. AND, we should remind ourselves that there are other thoughts we can think, thoughts that will help us better cope with our current circumstances.
Instead of “I am being forced to stay home and it feels like punishment”, we could think, “Each day I stay at home, I am choosing to act out of love to protect myself, my loved ones, my community, and my world from the devastation of COVID-19. When I stay at home, I am protecting the health care workers that are sacrificing their safety and their lives for the health and safety of our community.” When we reframe shelter at home in this way, it ceases to be a punishment and becomes an act of love that we choose to give to ourselves, our community, and our world.
When we think thoughts like “I can’t do what I want...what I used to do...what I normally do”, we are slipping into nostalgia for the past. A week ago, we could do all of those things. Now, we are in different circumstances in which sheltering at home is necessary for the health and wellbeing of all. By grounding ourselves in the present moment (which the above mindfulness practice can help us do), we can accept our current circumstances, choose to see them as an act of love and community, and then ask ourselves, “What can I do in shelter at home that I would enjoy?”
You can learn almost anything on YouTube:
Find a pattern and sew masks for our health care workers without proper professional protection gear and send them to your local hospitals
Learn to knit or crochet.
Learn to paint or draw
Learn to play guitar
Learn to cook healthy meals
Take an exercise class
Take a meditation class
Other activities you might enjoy during shelter at home:
Contact loved ones via phone, Zoom, chat, video calling, etc.
Take a free online course
Watch a free movie on Netflix
Listen to a free book on Audible
Take a virtual tour of a museum, zoo, or wildlife sanctuaries. Or watch the Northern Lights
We can’t do what we usually do, but there is an unlimited number of things we CAN do. Try some of them! You might find that you even enjoy it!
When thoughts come up like “I don’t know if I can handle this”, we have slipped out of the present moment and into worry about the future. In our everyday lives, we expect our circumstances to continue just as they always have. Just as we expect the sun to rise each morning, we expect that our health will be safe...that there will be food and supplies on the shelves of our stores...that we will be able to move safely and freely in our communities. Those who have faced a cancer diagnosis or any other life-altering trauma have already learned that those things we assume will always be true cannot be taken for granted. Those of us who are still here can tell you that, while we cannot control tomorrow, we can control how we live today. When we have limited choices, we will feel more in control of our lives if we shift our focus to the choices we DO have and take it one day at a time. The further we project into the future with our thoughts, the heavier the burden of uncertainty and anxiety. When thoughts of what MAY happen weigh heavily on you, try to shift your focus narrower and narrower to include only today or only this hour or ultimately only the present moment.
Ask yourself, “What is on my plate today? What can I do today?” If even the whole day feels overwhelming to think about, ask yourself, “What is on my plate at this moment? What are my choices?” In terms of getting things done that are necessary for your survival, ask yourself if there is one single task that you feel ready to conquer. Perhaps you could apply for unemployment or check into resources available to help get you through this challenging period. If you feel like that is too much for you to handle, ask for help. Reach out to a loved one and ask them if they will stay on the phone or video chat with you while you fill out the form.
Tips for Handling What’s on Your Plate Today
Staying grounded in the moment to successfully accomplish important tasks at hand, can be challenging. Make sure you are doing regular activities that nourish and sustain you:
Are you eating regular, healthy meals?
Have you played with your pet or your children?
Have you taken a shower today?
Are you holding your breath or breathing deeply?
Are the members of your household working as a team or feeling overwhelmed and taking it out on each other? When you notice that you and your family members are taking turns blowing up, pause, take a few deep breaths, and remind one another that you are in this together. If you work as a team, you can get through anything.
All of those things will make you feel better.
Creating ‘Ohana in the Cyber Age
In our modern Cyber Age with social media, Zoom, video chat, Messaging apps, and phones, we have almost unlimited ways to stay connected to people from whom we are physically separated:
Call a loved one you “don’t have time to” call during your regular busy life
Play Words with Friends or other games
Make a Tik Tok video
Write an uplifting post and share it via social media
Share your struggles on social media, and watch the care and concern from both loved ones and strangers come pouring in
Schedule a video chat, so that you not only get words, but also nonverbal expressions of affection
Host a sing-a-long or a dance party via video chat or Zoom
If you are feeling overwhelmed, you may find it difficult to think clearly and come up with a way to connect or feel weighed down and unable to overcome the inertia preventing you from reaching out. If you are having trouble finding the energy/motivation to take the actions listed above, first acknowledge how you are feeling. It is normal to need some time to adjust to the radical change in circumstances we are all facing. Be loving and compassionate towards yourself, and give yourself a little time to withdraw and collect yourself. Just don’t allow yourself to hide under the covers curled up in a ball for too long. Try peeking your head out from under the covers to find a small, simple way to connect. You can try one of these ways and discover what works for you:
Go to YouTube and use a video-guided meditation for anxiety
Take an online Qigong or yoga class
Look for funny memes and videos online that can help us to laugh about our circumstances even during the most difficult of times. Humor is a great way to combat the overwhelm we may be experiencing.
Once you bring yourself out of the dark a bit, you might just find that you enjoy the connection you find. Keep moving toward the light of connection...little by little. There may be days where you crawl back into bed and pull the covers over your head, but the next day, peek your head out and try again. Recovery from any trauma is never a straight upward slope, it is full of hills and valleys...good days and bad days...remember that tomorrow is another day...a new beginning.
If you haven’t heard from someone in a while and haven’t seen them posting on social media lately, check in with them. Keep in mind that they may be feeling too overwhelmed to reach out. Send them a message of love and concern. Send a funny and/or uplifting meme. Let them know you care. And, if they don’t respond, keep sending uplifting notes. Don’t add pressure by asking why they aren’t responding. Simply let them know you are thinking of them and that you love them. During my cancer journey, I was so appreciative of the friends who sent cute animal photos and funny memes without making me feel pressured to respond. Let them know that a “like” or “LOL” is enough, but that you are there if they need you.
Most importantly, remember that even when you can’t see or touch your community, they are there. Like the trees of a forest connected through the mycorrhizal network of roots through the earth, we are connected through the earth we walk on and the air between us. Even when we cannot see or feel them, our world ‘ohana is full of those we love and those we haven’t met yet holding us up through the most difficult of times.
